Scary and Laid Bare

I’m trying to figure out where to strike my personal balance.  It’s a lot harder than you’d think because - at least for some things - I’m a very open person. 

On the other hand, I’m very shy and reserved as well.  I like to call myself the most unsociable person on social media.  Usually I word it a lot less politely. 

Some of you may actually know that a few years back I caught a damned near lethal bout of pneumonia.  I don’t usually like to play it up all big and scary, but I really would prefer the words “life threatening” are not applied to anything related to me any time soon.  It was painful, it was long-lasting, it certainly put a nail in my last relationship. 

And it’s has inexorably changed me step by step.  The changes are still happening daily. 

Very, very few of you will know (until right now) that I’ve been going through some somewhat serious health issues over the past few months.  Nothing like the pneumonia, but certainly something that needs to be resolved.  I started working on it seriously about six weeks ago and I’m seeing some marked (haha) changes.  But it’s not over in any sense of the word and I’ve got a ways to go. 

If you’ve been paying attention, and I know a few of you have been, you know the list of a whole series of expansions I’ve been experiencing in my world.  I don’t know any other way to say that, really.  I haven’t changed as a person, I’ve just changed in the sense of what I’m doing.  This is very much the follow up post about the Bow River Flow.  This isn’t about that weekend.  This is about where I’m landing today.

I got Sass Jordan’s Present album just as my marriage was going downhill fast.  My ex rolled her eyes and said something to the effect of, “I should have known you’d like her.“  I never did figure out what the meant.  Present was a huge change in Sass, which foreshadowed and mirrored changes that were to happen in my life.  I still pull it out when I need – well, when I need to pull it out.

You have a couple of choices at this point.  You can play along and go list to the song or you can just take my word that it has been categorically life changing for me since the moment I first heard it. 

Those of you playing along, read my directions first.  You’re next step is to go to Sass Jordan’s site on the listen tab (clicking the link should take you directly there), then choose the album “Present” (it’s currently fourth), and then choose the second song called “Do What I Can.“  Or listen to the first song if you wish, that one influences me as well. 

I’d set up a regular link here, but I can’t find one.  And as much as I love Sass, someone else is going to have to put it up on youtube because I couldn’t be bothered.  I wouldn’t tell you to go listen if it wasn’t worth it.  If you’re not playing along, here’s the lyrics:

Misery is dead and pain has resurrected me because Hell became a choice that I no longer want to see. So I decide to take myself into a better frame of mind And in doing so I guess I’m going to have to leave this past behind

I’ve build this wall I’ll break it down

I don’t know who you are I’m not sure who I am But I wanted to try So I’ll do what I can

Now I’m alive and I understand that there’s some things in this world I’ll never know But I do know that we are all connected somehow Underneath our skin, our words, our lies And love is the only thing for which I’ll never make a compromise.

I build this world I’m living in

‘Cause I walked into that life without my faith beside me So I paid to take the ride And I never thought to check if things were right inside of me I guess that’s the reason why

I don’t know who you are I’m not sure who I am But I wanted to try So I’ll do what I can

So, what do you think, kids?  Anyone figured out how come I’m so… me, yet?

I went from a time where I really did not know who I was and developed into a person who knows definitively who I am.  I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I know I’m guarded, but I promise that if you can crack into the mantle of me then you’ll find me resolute and unchanging.

I’ve probably talked about it before around here.  When I threw out my codified upraising and rebuilt my value systems I decided that my personal cornerstones would be that I would be known to be trustworthy, honest and fair (whatever that means).  After my divorce, I learned I needed a fourth cornerstone - respect.  I’m no saint and I screw up on a regular basis, but (to misquote myself) it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being better.

If you’re a friend, then you deserve the answer, “I’ll Do What I Can.“  And because my word is my bond, you can count on getting my very best at any given time.  Might not be enough, might not be all you wanted, but I’ll put the best I have to offer on the table each and every time.

I’m trying to apply it to myself.  I’m trying to regain the joy of riding a bike.  I’m trying to rekindle the joy and not simply the drudgery of a computer.  I’m trying to continue learning and growing as a person.  I’m trying to reconnect to my love of music.

I’m trying to love myself in the way I wish to define it.  To keep working towards the man I wish to be.

Some of what I’m looking at is scary.  I’m going to have to trust others and I’m not sure I can fully do that.  I’m going to have to learn to deal with social situations in a different way than my usual approach.  Hell, I’m going to have to go out of my way to actually have social situations these days.

But this week, this week is about pulling within myself and going somewhere.  I’ve averaged 70 km per day on my bike.  I don’t know if I can keep that up.  I don’t know if I can do better.  It’s not about setting a goal, my goal is to get out there and put some distance under my wheels.  This week is about me.  Being my own friend.  Doing what I can for me.

Forgive me if I’m forgetting you.  I have someone I have to take care of first.